


Sausage Puns are the Wurst

by Guessimaclotpole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Puns, Bottom Arthur, But they aren't sex toys, I'm very sorry, M/M, Sausage puns, Sex Toys, There's no coming back from this fic, Top Merlin (Merlin), What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:06:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole
Summary: In which Merlin is surprised by a rather large sausage.





	Sausage Puns are the Wurst

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alienvomplanetenwooh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienvomplanetenwooh/gifts), [little_dhampir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_dhampir/gifts), [Penndragon27](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penndragon27/gifts), [fifty_fifty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifty_fifty/gifts), [Eisbaerfussel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eisbaerfussel/gifts), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts), [MistbornHero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistbornHero/gifts), [Camelittle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camelittle/gifts), [LFB72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFB72/gifts), [Polomonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/gifts), [Linorien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/gifts), [Merlocked18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlocked18/gifts), [8Verity8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/8Verity8/gifts), [Rawks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawks/gifts), [Tari_Sue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tari_Sue/gifts), [Clea2011](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clea2011/gifts), [mega_mathi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mega_mathi/gifts), [LavenderJane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderJane/gifts), [PeaceHeather](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeaceHeather/gifts).



> This fic is for the delightful people over at chatzy. Thank you to my European friends for the sausage help... lol.
> 
> Idk what you've all done to me but... enjoy.

Merlin hadn’t ever been to a German market before. In fact, he’d barely even stepped foot out of Ealdor before he’d turned twenty-one, and even then, he only left Ealdor to for a job interview in Cardiff. 

It was there that he met Arthur. Arthur had also been there for an interview. He had been arrogant, pompous, and an absolute twat to Merlin; but then of course something went wrong and the two of them got stuck in the waiting room together for approximately an infinity longer than they should have. 

They argued, they got at each other’s throats, and it wasn’t until a very polite lady offered them each a free breakfast box from the café downstairs that they finally shut up.

Now, when they had received the breakfast boxes, Merlin was quite shocked to find an unsightly, seven-inch, firm, brown sausage in his box. He held it up on his fork and stared at it in disbelief. Who in their right mind would ever want to eat a sausage that looked like…  _ well. _

“I can’t tell whether you reaaaally like the look of that sausage, or whether you’re scared of it.” Arthur had said over a mouthful of food.

“What, is your sausage this big, is it?” Merlin had asked, regretting the words as soon as they had left his mouth.

Arthur actually spat out his food and chuckled for a good five minutes, much to Merlin’s horror. Then he realised that Merlin had actually been serious.

“Oh. Yeah it was, I ate it.” Arthur answered, blushing a little.

“Pig.” Merlin retorted.

Arthur huffed a laugh and shook his head. “Well,  _ Mer _ lin, if you don’t want your sausage, I’ll eat it.”

All in all, that was how Arthur ended up giving Merlin a filthy blow job in the waiting room; and why, three weeks later, they were strolling hand-in-hand through Frankfurt at a huge Christmas market. Arthur was supposed to go with his sister, but she’d been rather busy with work as of late. It was all too easy for Merlin to go along instead.

They’d already bought a couple of bits and pieces, and Merlin had found the loveliest little Christmas ornament for his Mam back in Ealdor. 

“Oh,  _ look _ , Merlin!” Arthur exclaimed, a mischievous grin spreading fast across his face. Merlin hated that grin; mostly because he knew the only way to get rid of it was to slam his cock into Arthur’s mouth several times.

The thought made him woozy.

“What?” Merlin asked, following Arthur’s hand, to where it was pointing at a food stall.

“Sausages.” Arthur smirked.

“Give me strength.” Merlin sighed as Arthur dragged him over. It wasn’t until they reached the front of the queue that Merlin’s mouth visibly fell open.

“And you thought our sausages were big.” Arthur said. He had quite mastered the art of speaking very quietly and barely moving his mouth in the process.

“Fuck off.” Merlin answered, gaping at the fifteen inch sausages hanging from the stall roof and suddenly picturing some terrible, awful things.

“English?” a man in an apron asked from behind the counter.

“Yeah, we were wondering,” Arthur looked at Merlin with  _ that _ look, and it had only been three weeks but Merlin knew that look. “The biggest sausage you have… can we see it?”

Merlin threw his hand to his face and groaned inwardly. Arthur didn’t even laugh- it was worse. He just had this stupid shit-eating grin and Merlin felt the heat flushing to his cheeks.

“Ah, yes!” the man shouted, and he disappeared behind a makeshift wall.

“You’re a total dollophead, do you know that?” Merlin whispered, hitting Arthur in the bicep.

Arthur snorted. “You love a good sausage Merlin, I’m just trying to keep you happy. What’s the point in coming to Germany if not to admire some proper German cuisine?”

Merlin scoffed, about to reply when the man made his way back to the counter with an absolute beast of a man. He was about 6 and a half foot, if not more, and he was bald with a very healthy helping of facial hair.

“Klaus here has the biggest sausage. Show them, Klaus!” the man exclaimed, and Merlin glared at Arthur who was now turning rather purple in the face trying to conceal the need to laugh. The dickhead.

“Zis sausage is a good tventy-five inches!” Klaus said, this accent thick with pride while he held aloft his sausage like fucking Rafiki holding Simba. “She ist beautiful, nein? Jorg tries to make bigger sausage but he cannot get as big as mine, ha!” 

The first man, Jorg, shook his head with an adoring smile, then when Klaus began to flaunt his sausage for the other customers to see, Jorg leant across the counter towards Merlin.

“A man with a sausage like that, and you have to love him.” Klaus said, and just like that, Arthur was off. 

“Forgive my friend.” Merlin said, utterly ashamed.

“No, it’s all fine. You have given us a laugh this evening. How about some free food, on us?” Jorg asked.

 

~~

 

“I fucking hate you.” Merlin said as they stepped back into their hotel room.

“Oh,  _ please.  _ We have enough sausage to last us all night, now.” Arthur winked, and Merlin finally allowed himself to laugh.

He toed off his shoes and threw himself down on the bed. He’d eaten enough lebkuchen and drank enough mulled wine to see him through the next three Christmases. 

“Vud you like a bite of zis sausage?”

Merlin looked up on hearing Arthur’s terrible mock-accent (that honestly sounded more like Dracula than anything else), only to see him holding a thick, cooked sausage over his crotch and swinging it side to side.

Merlin tried his best not to laugh, and opted for giving Arthur a rather unappreciative glare instead.

Only Arthur saw it as a challenge, and he jumped on the bed, sausage flailing obscenely from his hand and wafting through the air as he knee-walked over to Merlin's face. 

It was all very funny. Merlin slapping the sausage away from his face whilst Arthur triumphantly whacked him over the side of the head with it. 

“Sausage-slap!” Arthur yelled, this time sounding like that awkward ‘big summer blowout’ guy in Frozen. Merlin chose that particular moment to open his mouth with an unrelenting cackle, and it happened that fast that they couldn't have even predicted it. 

The sausage, still held over Arthur's groin, slid  _ right _ into Merlin's mouth. Arthur stilled, his eyes widening as he looked down at Merlin. 

The sausage was quite literally  _ in  _ his throat. It was strange really, that the day they'd met, Arthur had sucked him off as though there was nothing he'd have rather done; but they hadn't actually done anything other than the odd messy hand-job and Arthur giving the odd blowjob. Merlin had always been a little too shy for anything else.

“Y-You…  _ how  _ are you not gagging?” Arthur asked, his voice strained. 

Merlin rolled his eyes and pulled back, slowly enough to watch Arthur's pupils dilate. 

“Your sausage doesn't taste  _ that _ bad, you know.”

It was Arthur's turn to roll his eyes. “I'm serious, Merlin. How-”

“I don't really have a gag reflex.” Merlin said shrugging. 

There's was a moments stillness between them, just fierce gazes and static in the air. 

Then the words settled into their minds, and the sausage was cast aside. They both fumbled at Arthur's jeans, prying at the buttons. Merlin pushed Arthur back on the bed and took over, pulling Arthur's jeans and boxers down to his knees, and he didn't hesitate to bend forward and wrap his mouth around the head of Arthur's cock. 

“Slow, Merlin. Wanna watch.” Arthur whispered, breathless already. 

So Merlin did as he was told, and slowly moved his mouth down Arthur’s length. 

He'd found out that he didn't have a gag reflex back in school when he and Gwaine decided to foolishly deep throat some bananas just for shits and giggles. That was also the day Merlin realised that he was definitely very gay and that Gwaine was definitely very curious. 

Arthur groaned when Merlin reached the base of his cock, and he groaned even more when Merlin still tried to push further. He loved the feeling of having a full mouth, just as much as he loved the feeling of filling someone up, and being filled up. 

As though reading his mind, Merlin watched as Arthur's eyes roved over to the paper bag labelled ‘Würstel Ahoy!’. 

Merlin nodded, making Arthur gasp before saying “We never speak of this to anyone, Merlin, understand?”

  
~~

 

Merlin had never, ever, been more grateful for scented condoms in his entire life. If someone told him at any point in his life that one day he'd be cooped up in a German hotel on the 23rd of December, balls deep inside of Arthur Pendragon with a fucking ‘Würstel Ahoy!’, condom-wrapped sausage tucked firmly into his own arse, he'd have laughed himself into a coma. 

Though, if he was totally honest, seeing Arthur beneath him- wantonly sucking one of the sausages (nicely wrapped in a cherry flavoured condom), and whimpering while Merlin pounded into him- was the single most delicious sight he had ever seen in his life. 

They'd played around a bit first. Arthur stuck the largest of the sausages in Merlin's needy entrance, whilst lapping at Merlin's flushed and throbbing length. 

Then they switched, with Merlin going back to swallowing Arthur's dick whilst scissoring his fingers inside of Arthur's hole. 

But now, now there wasn't a single hole left unfilled. Merlin's arse was clenched around the largest of the sausages still, and while Arthur was moaning around one end of a large sausage, Merlin had his mouth around the other (this side wrapped in blueberry, of course). 

There was so much going on that it  _ almost _ felt like a threesome. It was all the fun of a threesome but without the extra people and Merlin knew Arthur would  _ love _ that. He was a possessive prat, after all. 

There was so much heat and pleasure with every movement, and when Merlin wrapped a sure fist around Arthur’s cock, Arthur came with a muffled cry across his own stomach. 

Merlin followed suit soon after, viciously thrusting into his lover whilst reaching behind to the sausage, assaulting his prostate from behind. 

After spilling himself inside of Arthur, he collapsed in a heap on Arthur's shaking body. 

“Fucking hell” Merlin breathed. 

“Yeah.” Arthur replied. 

Soon after, they removed all of the sausages from sight and settled next to each other in bed, sharing loving kisses and snuggling until they both fell asleep. 

  
~~

 

“I can't believe they hired both of us.” Merlin scoffed as they made their way back to a familiar waiting room. 

“Yeah well Morgana is my sister. Of course she was going to hire me, but she said she liked your interview better.” Arthur said, a little jealousy in his voice. 

“Well, it's better than neither of us getting it.” Merlin sighed, settling into one of the chairs. 

“Ah boys!” Vivian said, the same assistant who was here last time. “Care for another free breakfast box? It's a perk of the job.”

This time, it was Merlin's turn. 

“No thanks Viv, we're into the bigger type of sausage now.” Merlin winked. 

“Speak for yourself, I've had enough sausage to last me a lifetime.”

Vivian nodded and left them alone once more. 

“So you won't be wanting my sausage later then?” Merlin asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

“Fuck off, Merlin.” Arthur grinned, and Merlin knew in that moment that working with Arthur Pendragon wouldn't be so bad at all, not when there was sausages involved. 

 


End file.
